Resolutions are a scam.
Make them if you must but ask yourself… does this vow you swear at the flip of a year truly help you in any meaningful way? Or does it add one more expectation to your burden, weigh you down with one more two-ton SHOULD.
You should lose weight. You should stop smoking. You should spend more time on that hobby, with your children, with your parents, with your friends, with your dog. You should exercise more, drink less, travel, write, meditate, read, walk, cook, go back to school. You should you should you should… Most people make resolutions only because they feel the overwhelming pressure of all those shoulds.
It’s the right thing to do, right? Self-improvement or self-care or whatever?
I call bullshit. Not on the idea of betterment, but on the capitalist-driven notion of New Year, New You.
New Year’s Eve, New Year’s Day, this first week of a brand new year, it’s not a magic portal. It’s a clerical arrangement. Back in 1582 the Pope made a tweak to Julius Caesar’s calendar from 45 BCE and upgraded the timekeeping system to the one we use today. So whether you label that system scientific or the megalomaniacal machinations of powerful men throughout the ages, every 365-ish days, our calendars run out of days and must be renewed.
It’s not that I don’t believe in the necessity of reinvention. I absolutely accept that change is not only vital, it’s inevitable. It’s a fact like gravity.
So sure, I can see how the advent of a new year is a reasonable time to pound that stake into the ground and say, “THE FIRST DAY OF THE FIRST MONTH OF THE NEW YEAR IS THE DAY I START/STOP DOING THE THING.”
I see it. I get it. I’ve done it. Still calling bullshit, though.
“It is the most reasonable thing if nothing feels new about the new year. We are told it is a beginning. We are told to leave it all behind. But our bodies, ancient and sensible as they are, defy the calendar.”
_Hillary L McBride (author of The Wisdom of Your Body)
What if, instead of making a resolution to DO or NOT DO all the things, we instead set an intention. Now or at any other day of any month of any year. We set an intention for a direction we want to follow.
Before you call bullshit on me, I’d like to explain the difference between an intention and a resolution.
A resolution is a goal that you set, that stake you just pounded into the ground. It is the quality of being determined or resolute. It is a firm decision to do or not to do. A resolution is a specific destination or a quantifiable achievement. Lose the 20 pounds. Run the 5k. Finish the degree. Write the book. Move to Portugal.
A resolution can live in a spreadsheet.
An intention, on the other hand, is something you live out every day. No progress tracker needed.
If a resolution is external, an intention is internal. It’s not about what you do, it’s about who you are. Or who you want to be. It’s about your relationship—to yourself, to others, to the world.
An intention may very well lead you to a resolution, but that’s not the point. The point is larger than mere achievement, the point is becoming. (And one could argue that we never finally become, we are always becoming. We are always in a state of progress.)
The religion that raised me told me that my reason for existence was to glorify God.
I stopped believing that a long time ago. Now I am convinced that my reason for living is not individual, it is collective. I am because you are. My existence is connected to yours and yours and yours, all over the globe.
And if that is true, then (one of the reasons) I exist (is) to stay connected. To reach out, to lift up, to shine a light, to open a door.
To be capable of that, I must be soft. I must listen. I must learn/unlearn/relearn. I must bear witness. I must ask questions. I must grow my heart three sizes, and then some. I must become the best version of myself I can be, a version that is present and aware. Self-aware and world-aware.
I must stay open.
"For nothing is fixed, forever and forever and forever, it is not fixed; the earth is always shifting, the light is always changing, the sea does not cease to grind down rock. Generations do not cease to be born, and we are responsible to them because we are the only witnesses they have. The sea rises, the light fails, lovers cling to each other, and children cling to us. The moment we cease to hold each other, the sea engulfs us and the light goes out."
_James Baldwin (essayist, playwright, novelist, voice of the American civil rights movement)
That’s it. Stay open. That’s my intention as I flip the calendar and step into a year that will undoubtedly test that desire.
In a world in which we quite literally stay connected to each other on cell phones are powered by minerals pried from the earth by the small hands of children and “democratic” presidential candidates emulate despots and leaders who champion “diplomacy” pull out all the stops to finance death and bombs fall ceaseless as time and men dig babies from the rubble with their bare hands on a planet that’s literally burning up, staying open is difficult.
It would be easier to say, “It’s so complicated” and bury my head, harden my heart. But… I am connected.
And so I prop the door open. Wide, wide open. I ask questions. I bear witness. I listen. I make myself soft.
I spent my 20s trying to “toughen up.” I wore my cynicism like armor, waved my skepticism like a flag. I held everyone at arm’s length because if they were far enough away, I figured, they couldn’t hurt me.
We all think stupid things in our 20s.
I am so much older now and maybe not quite wise but absolutely wiser than I used to be. I understand the value of softness now. I refuse to close myself off or shut down my heart. I watch. I listen. I grieve. I wonder. I learn. I use my words.
I choose to stay open.
It is not an openness without boundaries. Open doesn’t mean an automatic Yes; in fact open can lead directly to No.
Open is consideration. Re-imagination. Open is thoughtful.
Open is What would that look like? Open is Maybe I was wrong about that.
Open is Tell me more. Open is What can I do?
Open is an invitation. To what, exactly?
Well, I’m just getting started. I’ll let you know…
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Copyright © 2024 LaDonna Witmer
I love your writing and look forward to reading your stories so much! I have to say this one hit home. Your thoughts on resolutions have sparked a change in me. Just in time for 2024. Thank you for sharing, I will never forget your words and they will most definitely have an impact on my life moving forward.
So many things to love in here. I am because you are is top of the list. You know I love the deep winter honoring of loved ones and I also love the sense of turning in the seasons (not necessarily the year) to the new. But I’m with you on New Year’s resolutions. I saw a meme yesterday that said, “We’re opening a new fitness center. It will be equipped with workout machines for the first two weeks of January then convert to a wine bar for the rest of the year.” Imagine if everyone, taking a page out of your SubStack, just leaned into improving humanity in their immediate surroundings. Thanks again for another great post.