I understand to the depths of my being where you are right now. I went through it recently myself. As someone who has done it four times, it's a tough place to be. There’s a sense of excitement, a sense of should dos, and a sense of just wanting to take the time to write and reflect on who you are in San Francisco and the life you have built there. This is often overwhelmed by the excitement of the new life you are building.
I know this sounds insane, but I can wholeheartedly assure you and maybe scare you a little bit, that it will never be the same. Your friends won’t be the same, the city won’t be the same, none of it will be the same ever again.
There’s always a sense of familiarity, but you have already and will continue to change over the course of the next few weeks, and months and years, and however long you are abroad you will change. In that change, you, your husband, and munchkin are changing APART from those you would normally change with. It’s a sad but beautiful fact. I know for me now having lived abroad almost ten years, that I love going back to my hometown but it’s not my home anymore. I always said it would be, but in some ways, it never felt the same again, like a stranger you meet and instantly connect with but don’t see for many years.
There is a familiarity in taking a deep breath of pine-scented air in Lake Tahoe, and a love for the feeling of the carpet underneath my feet at my parents home, the joy of their laughter and company, and quietness that overcomes me when I see the sunrise over the Sierra Nevada’s.
That will always be a part of me. It is not home right now, maybe anymore, maybe someday, but it's not right now.
What a lot of travelers don’t realize in their goodbyes is that when you come back to visit you experience these things not as a native, but as a stranger to them. My first time coming home after being abroad I thought the world had stopped, and everything would be the same and everyone would be the same, that the level of intimacy in those relationships would remain and we would just pick up where we left off. The reality was, that the world and my life in Reno and my friends in Reno, that my Reno itself hadn’t stopped. It kept moving.
I felt such a deep sense of sorrow when I realized this, so much sorrow, I felt like I had missed it and let my friends and family down. I’m telling you all of this because I wished someone had told me before I left that it would all be different when I returned. That the fundamental truth is that I was different and that there would be this time of getting to know you that would have to happen all over again for both the place, the people, and me.
I guess I am saying all of this to encourage you to lean into your grief, experience it to its fullest. Hug extra tight to those you are so close to, that one last walk that you know so well, that one last visit to a place you grew and changed as a person, have that one last all-night conversation, or that one last drink, or whatever it is for you and them and the city you have loved so well. Lean into the goodbye, feel it with all your heart. It will make your last days busy and exhausting, trust me it will, but it makes the next place so much easier. It makes the joy and excitement and the ‘do it again’ feeling of a new country and place and people something you can experience without guilt and the unprocessed sorrow and grief.
I hope you don’t think I am butting in or being over-nosey or over-opinionated, but from one traveler to another, this is something I wish I knew in my last months, particularly before I left the US.
Don’t forget to be present at this moment, even when the future is so exciting.
Ladonna,
I understand to the depths of my being where you are right now. I went through it recently myself. As someone who has done it four times, it's a tough place to be. There’s a sense of excitement, a sense of should dos, and a sense of just wanting to take the time to write and reflect on who you are in San Francisco and the life you have built there. This is often overwhelmed by the excitement of the new life you are building.
I know this sounds insane, but I can wholeheartedly assure you and maybe scare you a little bit, that it will never be the same. Your friends won’t be the same, the city won’t be the same, none of it will be the same ever again.
There’s always a sense of familiarity, but you have already and will continue to change over the course of the next few weeks, and months and years, and however long you are abroad you will change. In that change, you, your husband, and munchkin are changing APART from those you would normally change with. It’s a sad but beautiful fact. I know for me now having lived abroad almost ten years, that I love going back to my hometown but it’s not my home anymore. I always said it would be, but in some ways, it never felt the same again, like a stranger you meet and instantly connect with but don’t see for many years.
There is a familiarity in taking a deep breath of pine-scented air in Lake Tahoe, and a love for the feeling of the carpet underneath my feet at my parents home, the joy of their laughter and company, and quietness that overcomes me when I see the sunrise over the Sierra Nevada’s.
That will always be a part of me. It is not home right now, maybe anymore, maybe someday, but it's not right now.
What a lot of travelers don’t realize in their goodbyes is that when you come back to visit you experience these things not as a native, but as a stranger to them. My first time coming home after being abroad I thought the world had stopped, and everything would be the same and everyone would be the same, that the level of intimacy in those relationships would remain and we would just pick up where we left off. The reality was, that the world and my life in Reno and my friends in Reno, that my Reno itself hadn’t stopped. It kept moving.
I felt such a deep sense of sorrow when I realized this, so much sorrow, I felt like I had missed it and let my friends and family down. I’m telling you all of this because I wished someone had told me before I left that it would all be different when I returned. That the fundamental truth is that I was different and that there would be this time of getting to know you that would have to happen all over again for both the place, the people, and me.
I guess I am saying all of this to encourage you to lean into your grief, experience it to its fullest. Hug extra tight to those you are so close to, that one last walk that you know so well, that one last visit to a place you grew and changed as a person, have that one last all-night conversation, or that one last drink, or whatever it is for you and them and the city you have loved so well. Lean into the goodbye, feel it with all your heart. It will make your last days busy and exhausting, trust me it will, but it makes the next place so much easier. It makes the joy and excitement and the ‘do it again’ feeling of a new country and place and people something you can experience without guilt and the unprocessed sorrow and grief.
I hope you don’t think I am butting in or being over-nosey or over-opinionated, but from one traveler to another, this is something I wish I knew in my last months, particularly before I left the US.
Don’t forget to be present at this moment, even when the future is so exciting.
From one wanderer to another,
Adrienne
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