First of all, I’m sorry that the first day of middle school rite of passage (and in a new country, in a new language!) was overshadowed by the first leering catcall rite of passage. Because you are right, it is the first of many and part of the history of all women. I hope that Filha continues to play with dragons, embody dragons, and slay them when she has to. Bravo for you and the lady tribe for lifting her up and dropping the wisdom that helped her walk back through the door with her head held high.
Second of all, I have a confession to make. I saw the social media post you refer to, asking women to gift him their stories, recommend a female “theme” song (wtaf?) and stay tuned for the release of this never before conceived of, revolutionary book brought to you by….guess who?….middle aged white dude. I’ve asked myself why I decided not to say anything and why so many women and men on the thread not only didn’t seem to have a problem with it, but gleefully suggested songs. Incidentally, it’s not that hard to internet search an “author” and get an idea of the quality of their writing and a general idea of their modus operandi. This book seems to have been written (like the others) over a period of weeks (or even days!) Using a small pool of women willing to answer salacious questions as “research”. It’s a genre alright, but never one I would support or read, and honestly it feels like a grift. When he asked my opinion on a public forum, I should have given it to him. Full stop.
Thank you for reminding me that I have a voice, and that I have been powered by women’s voices before me, including the brilliant list of authors you generously included. That’s where I’ll be spending my $19.99!
I wish all the best to your young daughter. As I read your last para, I thought to myself - But it is the boy who needs to be told stories ... and warnings.
It makes me so mad that girls and women need to learn about resilience, self-protection, etc. while nothing is taught to boys and men about their offensive and potentially damaging behavior.
You're absolutely right, it is the boys who need to be told stories. But until that becomes a common reality, I strongly believe we (women AND men) need to speak truth to the men -- even the "nice guys" -- who perpetuate all kinds of harmful behavior. I saw a video earlier this week about this very topic, and it gave me hope: https://www.instagram.com/reel/CxRkAOusfE1/?igshid=MTc4MmM1YmI2Ng%3D%3D
Oh sweet Filha, we get it. LaDonna's story of the leering man and her mom's concerns over her shorts brought back my own memories. Those experiences definitely shaped me. At first, it's like entering a battlefield where shame and pride fight one another. Shame loses. You claim victory, and move on not realizing you will fight that same battle again. Your inner warrior becomes alert, but doesn't shrink. Filha, enjoy your fabulous life and know that all wounds heal. You are brave enough to be you.
Filha, I am sorry this happened to you. And will continue to happen to you. You are strong. You are powerful. You are your own.
May I recommend (since you play with dragons still), "When Women Were Dragons" by Kelly Barnhill. You and your mum will find different nuance in it, but it is very...related to this post.
Thank you also for the list of books. I wanted to throw Invisible Women across the room several times out of sheer irritation and anger. But it was an ebook and ipads are expensive.
Oh, Cie, you have just named one of my favorite authors! Kelly Barnhill is brilliant, I have loved everything she's ever written. I read When Women Were Dragons on kindle when it came out last year, and thought it was so good, I picked up a paperback copy for Filha this summer at Powell's Books.
Powerful post! That seems like such a weak comment even as I’m feeling all kinds of feelings and remembering all manor of incidents in my life as a woman. Thank you for your list of books. Some I knew and many I didn’t.
Hi Ladonna. I would have replied sooner but I had a bad fall on my bike and am recovering, and that means my reply will be short too. But I didn't want more time to go be without saying how much I appreciate your thoughtful, kind, and beautifully written reply to my comment. I was am touched you took so much of your time to explain why you wrote your piece the way you did. I agree with everything you said, which isn't the important part, but I wanted to say it. The patriarchy runs deep and it's insidious, and all women (and some men) have experienced its harsh be effects. I think what upset me was you labeling this man as mediocre. I didn't know till yesterday that he had written any other books besides the one mentioned, and I'm not familiar with their content. Even though I like this man doesn't mean I might not dislike some of that content. Again, I appreciate you taking the time to say so you did, and so beautifully.
Oh Suzanne, I am so sorry to hear of your bike accident. Those falls can be nasty, I hope you are ok and not in too much pain. And thank you for being thoughtful yourself. I appreciate that you cared enough to share your thoughts, not once but twice. All the best to you.
Ugh, there is so much in here that makes me want to TYPE IN ALL CAPS. Thank you for, once again, being a righteous voice of indignation. And also for linking to that spoken word performance! 😮
Very powerful post and an excellent reminder to those of us who consider ourselves to be allies. I'm hoping for smoother sailing for Lu (not entirely smooth since we learn from the bumps in the road), and, Tracy was sooooooooooo right about how excellent of a writer you are :)
I love your writing, and this post made me sad. This is an experience we women have all had to endure. But that's not what made me sad. Your attack on a man I know who is kind, loving, and generous and a great supporter of women - his wife, his daughters, his friends, local businesswomen - and their strength, power, and independence is what made me sad. I know this man. I suspect you don't. He lives in my Setubal community, just down the hill from you. He has been welcoming to me from the first time we met. I suspect you were angry and hurt by what happened to your daughter - and rightfully so - but knew you couldn't attack a young teenage boy so you redirected your anger at this man. You are a great writer, but I think this attack was a bit beneath you. It was unkind. In addition, you completely neglected to mention that that this book was equally co-written with his wife.
Hi Suzanne. I understand you think this post is unkind, and I can live with that.
I would like to clear up a few misconceptions, though. I did not write about this person because I "couldn't attack a young teenage boy." I wrote this piece as a catalyst, not an attack -- you'll notice that I purposefully did not use this man's name or link to his book. Only a tiny subset of readers will be aware of the specific work I referenced here, so to the world at large, the author's identity remains protected. He is held up in this essay as an example of the type of man who takes liberties that do not belong to him, which was my larger point.
This person's book was made known to me several weeks ago, and has been a subject I've been thinking about and discussing with other women ever since. I put these two stories -- the teenage boy, the adult man -- together because they share a common thread, which is that men and boys assume they have a right to things that belong to a woman. And usually they do not get called out for this kind of behavior. I did not write this essay without thought and care, and I did not write it as a knee-jerk reaction to the harassment my daughter experienced. I wrote it because I am so very tired (and yes, angry -- aren't you?) of men being allowed to center themselves and appoint themselves as spokespersons and take what is not theirs to take simply because they are well-liked or well-intentioned or white, male, and why not.
I understand this particular man has been personally kind to you and to others in his community. I understand he is a loving husband and that he is a father of daughters. I am sure he is kind to animals, as well. As I wrote, being nice doesn't prevent a person from also doing harm.
As a writer, I understand that most of the people who read my words will never know me in person, instead they know me through my writing. This man you are sad for also puts his words out into the world, and those words are what I used to form my opinion. Not just this one book, but his entire catalog. So no, I have never met him in person. I have no doubt that he is nice and charming and fun and sweet and helps little old ladies across the street. His published body of work, however, paints a very clear picture of the mindset I have discussed in this piece.
I did not reference the fact that his wife co-authored this piece because all the marketing materials surrounding it attribute the concept and large part of the execution of the project to the man himself. It is possible I misunderstood the equality of that writing partnership. But her involvement doesn't change the fact that the entire project is as I said: poorly conceived and badly executed. I dearly wish someone, at some point in its creation, had raised some of the points that I raised here.
I do not think it is beneath me to call out out the evidence of patriarchy, even if that evidence is supplied by a man who has a reputation for being nice. Sometimes people we admire do things that are not admirable. Why is it that you would rather tell me that I am angry and aggressive instead of considering that I might have a point about the words written by this man who has been nice to you.
I stand by what I said in this essay. Calling this kind of thing out is uncomfortable and it is certainly not polite. But I couldn't bear the silence. And no one else was speaking up.
First of all, I’m sorry that the first day of middle school rite of passage (and in a new country, in a new language!) was overshadowed by the first leering catcall rite of passage. Because you are right, it is the first of many and part of the history of all women. I hope that Filha continues to play with dragons, embody dragons, and slay them when she has to. Bravo for you and the lady tribe for lifting her up and dropping the wisdom that helped her walk back through the door with her head held high.
Second of all, I have a confession to make. I saw the social media post you refer to, asking women to gift him their stories, recommend a female “theme” song (wtaf?) and stay tuned for the release of this never before conceived of, revolutionary book brought to you by….guess who?….middle aged white dude. I’ve asked myself why I decided not to say anything and why so many women and men on the thread not only didn’t seem to have a problem with it, but gleefully suggested songs. Incidentally, it’s not that hard to internet search an “author” and get an idea of the quality of their writing and a general idea of their modus operandi. This book seems to have been written (like the others) over a period of weeks (or even days!) Using a small pool of women willing to answer salacious questions as “research”. It’s a genre alright, but never one I would support or read, and honestly it feels like a grift. When he asked my opinion on a public forum, I should have given it to him. Full stop.
Thank you for reminding me that I have a voice, and that I have been powered by women’s voices before me, including the brilliant list of authors you generously included. That’s where I’ll be spending my $19.99!
Thank YOU for talking through so much of this with me. It helped me clarify my thoughts/feelings on the whole debacle. Nothing but love for you!
I wish all the best to your young daughter. As I read your last para, I thought to myself - But it is the boy who needs to be told stories ... and warnings.
It makes me so mad that girls and women need to learn about resilience, self-protection, etc. while nothing is taught to boys and men about their offensive and potentially damaging behavior.
You're absolutely right, it is the boys who need to be told stories. But until that becomes a common reality, I strongly believe we (women AND men) need to speak truth to the men -- even the "nice guys" -- who perpetuate all kinds of harmful behavior. I saw a video earlier this week about this very topic, and it gave me hope: https://www.instagram.com/reel/CxRkAOusfE1/?igshid=MTc4MmM1YmI2Ng%3D%3D
Oh sweet Filha, we get it. LaDonna's story of the leering man and her mom's concerns over her shorts brought back my own memories. Those experiences definitely shaped me. At first, it's like entering a battlefield where shame and pride fight one another. Shame loses. You claim victory, and move on not realizing you will fight that same battle again. Your inner warrior becomes alert, but doesn't shrink. Filha, enjoy your fabulous life and know that all wounds heal. You are brave enough to be you.
Recommending the Netflix movie Moxie. A film I wish I had when I was middle/high school ages to help give me words to the frustration I felt.
Filha, I am sorry this happened to you. And will continue to happen to you. You are strong. You are powerful. You are your own.
May I recommend (since you play with dragons still), "When Women Were Dragons" by Kelly Barnhill. You and your mum will find different nuance in it, but it is very...related to this post.
Thank you also for the list of books. I wanted to throw Invisible Women across the room several times out of sheer irritation and anger. But it was an ebook and ipads are expensive.
Oh, Cie, you have just named one of my favorite authors! Kelly Barnhill is brilliant, I have loved everything she's ever written. I read When Women Were Dragons on kindle when it came out last year, and thought it was so good, I picked up a paperback copy for Filha this summer at Powell's Books.
Powerful post! That seems like such a weak comment even as I’m feeling all kinds of feelings and remembering all manor of incidents in my life as a woman. Thank you for your list of books. Some I knew and many I didn’t.
Hi Ladonna. I would have replied sooner but I had a bad fall on my bike and am recovering, and that means my reply will be short too. But I didn't want more time to go be without saying how much I appreciate your thoughtful, kind, and beautifully written reply to my comment. I was am touched you took so much of your time to explain why you wrote your piece the way you did. I agree with everything you said, which isn't the important part, but I wanted to say it. The patriarchy runs deep and it's insidious, and all women (and some men) have experienced its harsh be effects. I think what upset me was you labeling this man as mediocre. I didn't know till yesterday that he had written any other books besides the one mentioned, and I'm not familiar with their content. Even though I like this man doesn't mean I might not dislike some of that content. Again, I appreciate you taking the time to say so you did, and so beautifully.
Oh Suzanne, I am so sorry to hear of your bike accident. Those falls can be nasty, I hope you are ok and not in too much pain. And thank you for being thoughtful yourself. I appreciate that you cared enough to share your thoughts, not once but twice. All the best to you.
I don't have words, friend. Other than you are a GREAT mother and a GREAt writer. I'll sit silently now in my rage, but I'll know we're not alone.
I welcome your companionable rage, my friend. Love you.
Thank you.
I look forward to & enjoy each one of your posts, but this one really hit me in the gut. Excellent work!
Ugh, there is so much in here that makes me want to TYPE IN ALL CAPS. Thank you for, once again, being a righteous voice of indignation. And also for linking to that spoken word performance! 😮
Very powerful post and an excellent reminder to those of us who consider ourselves to be allies. I'm hoping for smoother sailing for Lu (not entirely smooth since we learn from the bumps in the road), and, Tracy was sooooooooooo right about how excellent of a writer you are :)
WOW! Just WOW! Thank you!!!
🖤🖤🖤
Another brilliant book is Woman in Berlin by an anonymous author.
I love your writing, and this post made me sad. This is an experience we women have all had to endure. But that's not what made me sad. Your attack on a man I know who is kind, loving, and generous and a great supporter of women - his wife, his daughters, his friends, local businesswomen - and their strength, power, and independence is what made me sad. I know this man. I suspect you don't. He lives in my Setubal community, just down the hill from you. He has been welcoming to me from the first time we met. I suspect you were angry and hurt by what happened to your daughter - and rightfully so - but knew you couldn't attack a young teenage boy so you redirected your anger at this man. You are a great writer, but I think this attack was a bit beneath you. It was unkind. In addition, you completely neglected to mention that that this book was equally co-written with his wife.
Hi Suzanne. I understand you think this post is unkind, and I can live with that.
I would like to clear up a few misconceptions, though. I did not write about this person because I "couldn't attack a young teenage boy." I wrote this piece as a catalyst, not an attack -- you'll notice that I purposefully did not use this man's name or link to his book. Only a tiny subset of readers will be aware of the specific work I referenced here, so to the world at large, the author's identity remains protected. He is held up in this essay as an example of the type of man who takes liberties that do not belong to him, which was my larger point.
This person's book was made known to me several weeks ago, and has been a subject I've been thinking about and discussing with other women ever since. I put these two stories -- the teenage boy, the adult man -- together because they share a common thread, which is that men and boys assume they have a right to things that belong to a woman. And usually they do not get called out for this kind of behavior. I did not write this essay without thought and care, and I did not write it as a knee-jerk reaction to the harassment my daughter experienced. I wrote it because I am so very tired (and yes, angry -- aren't you?) of men being allowed to center themselves and appoint themselves as spokespersons and take what is not theirs to take simply because they are well-liked or well-intentioned or white, male, and why not.
I understand this particular man has been personally kind to you and to others in his community. I understand he is a loving husband and that he is a father of daughters. I am sure he is kind to animals, as well. As I wrote, being nice doesn't prevent a person from also doing harm.
As a writer, I understand that most of the people who read my words will never know me in person, instead they know me through my writing. This man you are sad for also puts his words out into the world, and those words are what I used to form my opinion. Not just this one book, but his entire catalog. So no, I have never met him in person. I have no doubt that he is nice and charming and fun and sweet and helps little old ladies across the street. His published body of work, however, paints a very clear picture of the mindset I have discussed in this piece.
I did not reference the fact that his wife co-authored this piece because all the marketing materials surrounding it attribute the concept and large part of the execution of the project to the man himself. It is possible I misunderstood the equality of that writing partnership. But her involvement doesn't change the fact that the entire project is as I said: poorly conceived and badly executed. I dearly wish someone, at some point in its creation, had raised some of the points that I raised here.
I do not think it is beneath me to call out out the evidence of patriarchy, even if that evidence is supplied by a man who has a reputation for being nice. Sometimes people we admire do things that are not admirable. Why is it that you would rather tell me that I am angry and aggressive instead of considering that I might have a point about the words written by this man who has been nice to you.
I stand by what I said in this essay. Calling this kind of thing out is uncomfortable and it is certainly not polite. But I couldn't bear the silence. And no one else was speaking up.
Different country. Same MO. I don’t know why I would’ve thought it different.