This needed to be said and you did so beautifully. How is resilience measured? That one endured hardship? One might forge through childhood traumas in a way that gives an impression of resiliency. More often than not they follow us like a shadow through our lives.
PS If you have a lawn, I hope you continue to mow in your swimsuit. :)
Yes, the platitudes are so aggravating. My kids have had a really hard time adjusting to our move overseas (and I have to fight back mom guilt almost daily, since we left a very full life in the US). We tend to be deep thinkers about everything, which is likely the main impediment to an easy and quick assimilation. Here's hoping it continues to get better for all of us... :)
The journey of you and your family define bravery to me. Navigating the ups and downs while trying to find your place within are an inspiration. Thank you for sharing.
Love, love, love all of this! You put into prose so beautifully the things I often think about. (Being on these expat groups myself 😁.) I feel like Americans, especially, tend to think in very monolithic stereotypes about other cultures. It’s the easiest trap to fall into if you’ve not travelled nor been exposed to different nationalities than your own. As mom of four internationally adopted children, I’ve experientes first hand the adaptability (or not) of youngsters to a new culture, including language learning. One of my daughters who has been here from age ten and is now 20, can barely utter an intelligible sentence in English (which in no way reflects her thinking processes.) And yes, some of my kids are introverts and because of their backstory, it is their worst nightmare to possibly have to ever move again - so adaptable = no. Future travel - probably not either. I feel like we’ve lost the nuances - on pretty much everything. When I spoke with thousands of parents during my decade of admissions management at an N-12 grade private school, parents were despadra-te for formulas. For successful kids; success at parenting. How to guarantee a “good” future. It was absurd. And in their consternation and stress of never finding these, without really looking at their children, I could see how their anxiety was transmitted to their kids, which caused all kinds of issues which then snowballed around and around. Btw, my pet peeve for parenting my own kids was being subjected to advice not only from non-parents (sometimes their teachers) but always from non-adoptive parents!
I hear you on all of this. And I agree that Americans are especially allergic to nuance--in all areas of life. Being in Portugal--and in the EU in general--and seeing the breadth of political parties astonishes me. In the States there is such an addiction to binary thinking. Good and evil. Democrat and Republican. Liberal and conservative. Christian and other. Citizen and outsider. We (Americans) also are so accustomed to being the heroes of our own story. We're always the cowboy in the white hat, you know? I don't fool myself into thinking I get it right all the time, especially as a parent. But I think that if I keep asking questions like, Who is MY child? What does SHE need to get through this? What does SHE need to thrive? Then I can make better decisions and seek out better solutions, even if they are unconventional.
“Kids are so resilient” makes me think of how in Romania, growing up, kids were viewed not as little humans but as sub-humans: didn’t have to worry about their feelings or their wants because “the kids will be ok”.
Growing up in the 70s and 80s in America, kids were not seen as individuals but as reflections of their parents. Or, in the worst cases, property of their parents. I know so many people, especially in uber-religious communities, who shrug it off as adults and say, "Yeah, my parents beat me/ignored me/mistreated me but I turned out fine." And I'm like, "Uh, you're NOT fine! We're not fine! Therapy was/is required to work through all that shit so we can be healthy and break that cycle of thinking."
I am a learning specialist. I have a PhD in the way brains learn and develop and how to support learners who struggle either due to a social-emotional issue or learning disability. I deal specifically with students who are struggling. I absolutely HATE the trope of resilient, infallible children. It’s lazy and selfish for adults to throw around. It absolves them of the need to be introspective, to examine generational trauma, to build a social emotional connection with their children or students. It puts the onus back on children. If children are by nature resilient, then something must be wrong with them when they are not. They must not be trying hard enough or are too needy. I truly appreciate this post and I am sending loads of strength your way. Seeing our babies struggle is so hard. She is so fortunate to have you. I do cringe at all the posts I see of strangers telling perspective English-speaking immigrants to Portugal to just throw their kids in the local public school and it will sort itself out. I still struggle from the trauma I felt when my family returned to the US and just shoved me into the local (over-crowded, under funded, bully-filled, chaotic mess of a) public school upon our return without ever discussing it or offering support. I did not grow from that- it caused severe anxiety that I didn’t have any resources to deal with and, frankly, really damaged my sense of self as I formed my identity. It fucking sucked BECAUSE my parents bought that idea that “kids are resilient.” The difference for your child is that you “get” it and are responding and finding creative solutions that will buoy her and ALLOW her to be truly resilient as a result. I am so glad you are able to think outside the box and find creative solutions!
P.S. This made me think about when, at 15, I applied for a scholarship to boarding school in Arizona, because the tiny local school in our isolated coastal village (Mendo, of course) was so awful. I was a bucktoothed little nerd-girl, who loved learning and reading, so the local high school was going to be hellish for me. My mom had me apply for a scholarship to Verde Valley School, in Sedona, AZ, almost as just something to do, because we didn't think I'd get it. And I didn't - though they wrote a nice letter saying they really liked my essays.
And then, two months later, another letter from VVS: One of the scholarship kids had dropped out. I could have it, but school started in THREE DAYS.
I remember taking the Greyhound bus to San Francisco and Scott driving me to Macy's to get me the stuff I was told to bring. A wicker chest to store clothes in. A rain jacket. Sneakers and boots and dressy shoes. And then I was put on an airplane, alone, and off I flew to Phoenix, to be picked up by a van and driven all the way up to Sedona for my freshman year of high school...
It was very hard, adjusting to the new environment. Most of the students at VVS came from very wealthy families - it was very expensive. I was one of only two students with scholarships that year, from "poor" families. I felt totally intimidated, sneered at, and was not very popular. Dad had forgotten, btw, to buy me a dress - I didn't have a single dress to wear, and girls had to wear a dress to go to the mandatory Chapel gathering every Sunday. I shamefacedly asked my roommate if I could borrow one of hers. She was a duchess from Mexico with nine names - Ingrid Maria Costanza Isabella de Fuentes de Aragon Von Urich-Sass is all I recall. She loaned me one dress, which I had to wear EVERY SUNDAY: An electric blue crushed velvet disco number, slit all the way up to the hip on one leg, with fringe on the sleeves. GOD the crushing horror I had of having to wear that dress every week, while the perfect blonde preppy girls from wealthy families snickered and pointed at me.
I mean, yeah, obviously I survived, but all experiences leave aftereffects. Kids are as malleable as they are "resilient". Things SHAPE them. Sigh!
I knew about a lot of this, but not the details, and seeing it all laid out in a timeline, I'm ASTONISHED at how hard this must all have been. Sometimes still is, maybe. I love Lucette so much; I have great mental images after reading this of her perched in a tree with a book, or drawing a very grumpy dragon or two... amazing you have managed to get to the point you're at, and it sounds like this public school might actually turn out to be good. I hope so!
Your post, as always, touches me at a deeper level than I expect it to when I begin reading. I remember saying to you that your daughter would learn the language much easier and faster than you....because that is what I was taught in my graduate "Learning another Language" class. I warn my students about making the broad statement, but then I do the same thing. Thank you for reminding us of the pitfalls of doing that.
I, too, can't stand these narrow descriptives of life. That one in particular on a child's resilency, conveniently minimizes their experiences and the responsibility you expressed so elequently of seeing your daughter and her unique needs—embracing her true ebb and flow. Her memories of this adventure will hopefully carry more joy than sorrow; by letting her have both, she will most certainly come out of it feeling whole. Beautifully expressed, and I love that you're mowing your lawn now in your swimsuit!
My experience is national stereotypes do pertain but as you write people are people.
As an American with lots of close family I can say that being a kid is no easy task anywhere anymore and particularly in the USA.
The saving grace of childhood is to have a safe loving home. In which the child’s nature is understood so that when it goes bump in the night it can be addressed. So that psychic and physical assaults are addressed and healed as best as one can.
The humanity in PT society is extraordinary compared to the USA.
The people expect and the government thus far addresses and legislates with their peoples best interest in mind.
This is not the norm in the USA.
(No health care;horrible public schools except in rich communities, etc).
Kindness branding of the PT people is promoted to grow and build the country that lacks enough young work force and enough people with means to fund the tax base that finances their health care, their infrastructure etc.
Your rant filled the space but it was sorta personal and also one sided.
Everything is more complex then content writers generally cover.
My wish is that each would take responsibility for the cognitive dissonance and presumptive prejudices that many writers are contributing to.
Does their feed or blog or contributions to the public domain lead with heart, responsibly, usefulness?
To put it in a way that common culture can digest: Is it a McDonalds happy meal or is it healthy food that sticks to the ribs and sustains the reader?
Humanity has come so far and learned so little. Evolution needs more tending.
This needed to be said and you did so beautifully. How is resilience measured? That one endured hardship? One might forge through childhood traumas in a way that gives an impression of resiliency. More often than not they follow us like a shadow through our lives.
PS If you have a lawn, I hope you continue to mow in your swimsuit. :)
I do have a lawn now, and I have been mowing in my swimsuit lately, actually! :D
Yes, the platitudes are so aggravating. My kids have had a really hard time adjusting to our move overseas (and I have to fight back mom guilt almost daily, since we left a very full life in the US). We tend to be deep thinkers about everything, which is likely the main impediment to an easy and quick assimilation. Here's hoping it continues to get better for all of us... :)
The journey of you and your family define bravery to me. Navigating the ups and downs while trying to find your place within are an inspiration. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for reading.
Love, love, love all of this! You put into prose so beautifully the things I often think about. (Being on these expat groups myself 😁.) I feel like Americans, especially, tend to think in very monolithic stereotypes about other cultures. It’s the easiest trap to fall into if you’ve not travelled nor been exposed to different nationalities than your own. As mom of four internationally adopted children, I’ve experientes first hand the adaptability (or not) of youngsters to a new culture, including language learning. One of my daughters who has been here from age ten and is now 20, can barely utter an intelligible sentence in English (which in no way reflects her thinking processes.) And yes, some of my kids are introverts and because of their backstory, it is their worst nightmare to possibly have to ever move again - so adaptable = no. Future travel - probably not either. I feel like we’ve lost the nuances - on pretty much everything. When I spoke with thousands of parents during my decade of admissions management at an N-12 grade private school, parents were despadra-te for formulas. For successful kids; success at parenting. How to guarantee a “good” future. It was absurd. And in their consternation and stress of never finding these, without really looking at their children, I could see how their anxiety was transmitted to their kids, which caused all kinds of issues which then snowballed around and around. Btw, my pet peeve for parenting my own kids was being subjected to advice not only from non-parents (sometimes their teachers) but always from non-adoptive parents!
I hear you on all of this. And I agree that Americans are especially allergic to nuance--in all areas of life. Being in Portugal--and in the EU in general--and seeing the breadth of political parties astonishes me. In the States there is such an addiction to binary thinking. Good and evil. Democrat and Republican. Liberal and conservative. Christian and other. Citizen and outsider. We (Americans) also are so accustomed to being the heroes of our own story. We're always the cowboy in the white hat, you know? I don't fool myself into thinking I get it right all the time, especially as a parent. But I think that if I keep asking questions like, Who is MY child? What does SHE need to get through this? What does SHE need to thrive? Then I can make better decisions and seek out better solutions, even if they are unconventional.
“Kids are so resilient” makes me think of how in Romania, growing up, kids were viewed not as little humans but as sub-humans: didn’t have to worry about their feelings or their wants because “the kids will be ok”.
Growing up in the 70s and 80s in America, kids were not seen as individuals but as reflections of their parents. Or, in the worst cases, property of their parents. I know so many people, especially in uber-religious communities, who shrug it off as adults and say, "Yeah, my parents beat me/ignored me/mistreated me but I turned out fine." And I'm like, "Uh, you're NOT fine! We're not fine! Therapy was/is required to work through all that shit so we can be healthy and break that cycle of thinking."
Great post LaDonna - so well put. <3 the poem, too, of course.
I am a learning specialist. I have a PhD in the way brains learn and develop and how to support learners who struggle either due to a social-emotional issue or learning disability. I deal specifically with students who are struggling. I absolutely HATE the trope of resilient, infallible children. It’s lazy and selfish for adults to throw around. It absolves them of the need to be introspective, to examine generational trauma, to build a social emotional connection with their children or students. It puts the onus back on children. If children are by nature resilient, then something must be wrong with them when they are not. They must not be trying hard enough or are too needy. I truly appreciate this post and I am sending loads of strength your way. Seeing our babies struggle is so hard. She is so fortunate to have you. I do cringe at all the posts I see of strangers telling perspective English-speaking immigrants to Portugal to just throw their kids in the local public school and it will sort itself out. I still struggle from the trauma I felt when my family returned to the US and just shoved me into the local (over-crowded, under funded, bully-filled, chaotic mess of a) public school upon our return without ever discussing it or offering support. I did not grow from that- it caused severe anxiety that I didn’t have any resources to deal with and, frankly, really damaged my sense of self as I formed my identity. It fucking sucked BECAUSE my parents bought that idea that “kids are resilient.” The difference for your child is that you “get” it and are responding and finding creative solutions that will buoy her and ALLOW her to be truly resilient as a result. I am so glad you are able to think outside the box and find creative solutions!
Thanks so much Ashley. I love hearing the perspective from your professional expertise.
P.S. This made me think about when, at 15, I applied for a scholarship to boarding school in Arizona, because the tiny local school in our isolated coastal village (Mendo, of course) was so awful. I was a bucktoothed little nerd-girl, who loved learning and reading, so the local high school was going to be hellish for me. My mom had me apply for a scholarship to Verde Valley School, in Sedona, AZ, almost as just something to do, because we didn't think I'd get it. And I didn't - though they wrote a nice letter saying they really liked my essays.
And then, two months later, another letter from VVS: One of the scholarship kids had dropped out. I could have it, but school started in THREE DAYS.
I remember taking the Greyhound bus to San Francisco and Scott driving me to Macy's to get me the stuff I was told to bring. A wicker chest to store clothes in. A rain jacket. Sneakers and boots and dressy shoes. And then I was put on an airplane, alone, and off I flew to Phoenix, to be picked up by a van and driven all the way up to Sedona for my freshman year of high school...
It was very hard, adjusting to the new environment. Most of the students at VVS came from very wealthy families - it was very expensive. I was one of only two students with scholarships that year, from "poor" families. I felt totally intimidated, sneered at, and was not very popular. Dad had forgotten, btw, to buy me a dress - I didn't have a single dress to wear, and girls had to wear a dress to go to the mandatory Chapel gathering every Sunday. I shamefacedly asked my roommate if I could borrow one of hers. She was a duchess from Mexico with nine names - Ingrid Maria Costanza Isabella de Fuentes de Aragon Von Urich-Sass is all I recall. She loaned me one dress, which I had to wear EVERY SUNDAY: An electric blue crushed velvet disco number, slit all the way up to the hip on one leg, with fringe on the sleeves. GOD the crushing horror I had of having to wear that dress every week, while the perfect blonde preppy girls from wealthy families snickered and pointed at me.
I mean, yeah, obviously I survived, but all experiences leave aftereffects. Kids are as malleable as they are "resilient". Things SHAPE them. Sigh!
I knew about a lot of this, but not the details, and seeing it all laid out in a timeline, I'm ASTONISHED at how hard this must all have been. Sometimes still is, maybe. I love Lucette so much; I have great mental images after reading this of her perched in a tree with a book, or drawing a very grumpy dragon or two... amazing you have managed to get to the point you're at, and it sounds like this public school might actually turn out to be good. I hope so!
Beautiful & thought provoking as always.
Your post, as always, touches me at a deeper level than I expect it to when I begin reading. I remember saying to you that your daughter would learn the language much easier and faster than you....because that is what I was taught in my graduate "Learning another Language" class. I warn my students about making the broad statement, but then I do the same thing. Thank you for reminding us of the pitfalls of doing that.
I, too, can't stand these narrow descriptives of life. That one in particular on a child's resilency, conveniently minimizes their experiences and the responsibility you expressed so elequently of seeing your daughter and her unique needs—embracing her true ebb and flow. Her memories of this adventure will hopefully carry more joy than sorrow; by letting her have both, she will most certainly come out of it feeling whole. Beautifully expressed, and I love that you're mowing your lawn now in your swimsuit!
You have such a beautiful way of writing and expressing yourself. I love this post!
My experience is national stereotypes do pertain but as you write people are people.
As an American with lots of close family I can say that being a kid is no easy task anywhere anymore and particularly in the USA.
The saving grace of childhood is to have a safe loving home. In which the child’s nature is understood so that when it goes bump in the night it can be addressed. So that psychic and physical assaults are addressed and healed as best as one can.
The humanity in PT society is extraordinary compared to the USA.
The people expect and the government thus far addresses and legislates with their peoples best interest in mind.
This is not the norm in the USA.
(No health care;horrible public schools except in rich communities, etc).
Kindness branding of the PT people is promoted to grow and build the country that lacks enough young work force and enough people with means to fund the tax base that finances their health care, their infrastructure etc.
Your rant filled the space but it was sorta personal and also one sided.
Everything is more complex then content writers generally cover.
My wish is that each would take responsibility for the cognitive dissonance and presumptive prejudices that many writers are contributing to.
Does their feed or blog or contributions to the public domain lead with heart, responsibly, usefulness?
To put it in a way that common culture can digest: Is it a McDonalds happy meal or is it healthy food that sticks to the ribs and sustains the reader?
Humanity has come so far and learned so little. Evolution needs more tending.
This post was not a rant, but it was personal because... this is a personal blog. I'm not creating clickbait content for Buzzfeed.