Wow. So well said, those little niggles about the who and why of being, brought forth by looking at it all through a new and different lens. I could never express those thoughts so concisely nor so eloquently, but I can, and have, felt them. We've been here a couple of years now, I think that we all, in our own way, have had our eyes/ears/minds opened for examination... thank you!
You always make me smile. Even with an "excavation of longing, regret, and prejudice ." As an enneagram four myself, I resounded with a great deal of what you said in this post. There is a sense of longing, not for the place or going back but for how things used to be. As fours, we, in particular, feel that; because we were made to. All enneagrams will feel it to some extent, but fours, well, we don't shy away from the deeper, scarier emotions. We poke at them, mull over them, argue with them, and question them for their authenticity. Living abroad and leaving the safe and the comfortable does not guarantee us a ticket to avoid that; if anything, at times, it makes that those emotions even more acute. I hope that even in the dark of night, you continue to poke, prod, mull over, and think through those emotions because somewhere, someday, someone will need your insight without going to the depths you did.
So good! To your point on longing and saudade, I started reading “Bittersweet” by Susan Cain last week. It’s a whole game changer for me. If you haven’t picked it up, I highly recommend. She delves into the bittersweet longing that so many of us, particularly us Enneagram 4s, experience. Miss you and your words, friend.
I always enjoy your thought- provoking writing. Today I particularly empathised with the debate about whether to remain friends with someone whose comments make you uncomfortable. This resonates with me and I've been having the same internal debate.
My thinking is as follows. Sadly, I think that away from family, friends and work colleagues with whom you have had so many shared experiences, you will never find the same kind of close friendships again, especially as your new acquaintances may speak a different language and come from a different culture. Therefore you need to get to know as wide a circle of people as possible. You may share some common ground, so try to build on this. You will learn and experience new things and develop new ideas and talents. However, while embracing this, you cannot ignore things which make you uncomfortable. My natural instinct is to challenge, but language limitations and trying to avoid alienation from others (usually!) make me more cautious. Instead I see less of this person and stop entirely if necessary. Sometimes the situation improves, at other times we drift apart. Yet, if I remain open to meeting new people, another interesting person comes into my life.
I am so beyond words , it is like your thoughts and ideas are exactly how I feel many , many times, there is that longing that never goes away but at the same time when I go back to my country has never been the same ever again since I left, like I do not belong anymore, it is not easy to understand but for some reason this time have this big desire to live in Portugal and personally for me is to experience peace and kindness , we were there this year and the moment we landed and went out looking for a taxi, I had the feeling that I belong there , so glad to have read your blog !
I think this last sentiment often- I am picky about who I let in. If I move to another country, I know I would be in the same boat that you are describing. I think that is part of the reason I have glommed on to your blog so much- you are the type of person I would hope to encounter there. If I saw you in your Bauhaus shirt and Lolita sunglasses, I would dodge traffic to get your number. When I lived in Budapest, I would be on the lookout for indie introverts like myself and they were always tourists. I didn’t meet any locals that were people I would have chosen to hang out with back in the states. And now, at 40-something I wonder what I could have done, how I might respond now to the homophobic, misogynistic people that might have been friends if I had known how to navigate. Please tell us how you land with this- how does one navigate that? I just booked an old hotel in Sintra for Christmas and am starting to really get excited to be there. If I ever land permanently, I will be looking for your Bauhaus shirt (or your no regrets Piaf shirt, or your saudade shirt). Thanks for all your words.
Nov 2, 2022·edited Nov 2, 2022Liked by LaDonna Witmer
I just totally LOVE what you shared. Probably because I've had similar thoughts/questions/wonderings.
What a great read. Thank you. Reading your blog helps me feel "not so alone" in my particular journey in this post move-to-Portugal transition. Please keep them coming.
I miss your voice and thoughts so much. Your words always speak to me in such a way and I am so grateful. Missing you from Oakland and sending all my love. ❤️
I wish to issue a mea culpa to my comment below (of yesterday). I admit that I read LaDonna's thoughts a bit too hastily and, rereading it now, I realize that I got some of it wrong. LaDonna has written herself: "So being the immigrant who doesn’t speak the language (well) and doesn’t know the culture (yet) is forcing me to take another look at the stories I tell myself about myself."
I too moved from North America to Europe (decades ago, from Toronto to Paris) and spent years marveling, wondering, scratching my head, observing and, oftentimes, not understanding a thing. All while learning a new language. I have to hand it to anyone who moves to Portugal: wow, that's one difficult language to learn! French was so much easier!
One is more aware of history and tradition in Europe than in North America. At its roots, Portugal is a deeply traditional Catholic country: church and family rule. Two years ago, I visited a beautiful cemetery in Porto and was touched by the number of family members visiting: children watering the flower pots of their departed parents and widows sweeping and cleaning the headstones of their deceased husbands. The place was a hive of activity and symbolized to me the strong family links that live on even after death.
It's called the Cemetery of Prado do Repouso, and Porto is an absolute must-visit, I can't wait to go back there.
Why am I mentioning this? Because moving to another country is entering a completely different culture and, in the beginning at least, I believe it behooves us to just keenly observe and try to understand which is precisely what LaDonna articulated in her beautifully written essay. Incidentally, I had to google "Enneagram 4s", didn't have a clue what that was!
You are in my mind and so on the same wave length right now. Thanks for capturing the words and sentiments that swirl around in my head early in the morning each day. We've been in Portugal about the same time as you. While our situations are wildly different they are in so many aspects so similar. Thanks for sharing your thoughts so eloquently.
Wow. So well said, those little niggles about the who and why of being, brought forth by looking at it all through a new and different lens. I could never express those thoughts so concisely nor so eloquently, but I can, and have, felt them. We've been here a couple of years now, I think that we all, in our own way, have had our eyes/ears/minds opened for examination... thank you!
You always make me smile. Even with an "excavation of longing, regret, and prejudice ." As an enneagram four myself, I resounded with a great deal of what you said in this post. There is a sense of longing, not for the place or going back but for how things used to be. As fours, we, in particular, feel that; because we were made to. All enneagrams will feel it to some extent, but fours, well, we don't shy away from the deeper, scarier emotions. We poke at them, mull over them, argue with them, and question them for their authenticity. Living abroad and leaving the safe and the comfortable does not guarantee us a ticket to avoid that; if anything, at times, it makes that those emotions even more acute. I hope that even in the dark of night, you continue to poke, prod, mull over, and think through those emotions because somewhere, someday, someone will need your insight without going to the depths you did.
Sending you lots of love, Adrienne!
So good! To your point on longing and saudade, I started reading “Bittersweet” by Susan Cain last week. It’s a whole game changer for me. If you haven’t picked it up, I highly recommend. She delves into the bittersweet longing that so many of us, particularly us Enneagram 4s, experience. Miss you and your words, friend.
Miss you, too, lady.
I always enjoy your thought- provoking writing. Today I particularly empathised with the debate about whether to remain friends with someone whose comments make you uncomfortable. This resonates with me and I've been having the same internal debate.
My thinking is as follows. Sadly, I think that away from family, friends and work colleagues with whom you have had so many shared experiences, you will never find the same kind of close friendships again, especially as your new acquaintances may speak a different language and come from a different culture. Therefore you need to get to know as wide a circle of people as possible. You may share some common ground, so try to build on this. You will learn and experience new things and develop new ideas and talents. However, while embracing this, you cannot ignore things which make you uncomfortable. My natural instinct is to challenge, but language limitations and trying to avoid alienation from others (usually!) make me more cautious. Instead I see less of this person and stop entirely if necessary. Sometimes the situation improves, at other times we drift apart. Yet, if I remain open to meeting new people, another interesting person comes into my life.
I am so beyond words , it is like your thoughts and ideas are exactly how I feel many , many times, there is that longing that never goes away but at the same time when I go back to my country has never been the same ever again since I left, like I do not belong anymore, it is not easy to understand but for some reason this time have this big desire to live in Portugal and personally for me is to experience peace and kindness , we were there this year and the moment we landed and went out looking for a taxi, I had the feeling that I belong there , so glad to have read your blog !
I think this last sentiment often- I am picky about who I let in. If I move to another country, I know I would be in the same boat that you are describing. I think that is part of the reason I have glommed on to your blog so much- you are the type of person I would hope to encounter there. If I saw you in your Bauhaus shirt and Lolita sunglasses, I would dodge traffic to get your number. When I lived in Budapest, I would be on the lookout for indie introverts like myself and they were always tourists. I didn’t meet any locals that were people I would have chosen to hang out with back in the states. And now, at 40-something I wonder what I could have done, how I might respond now to the homophobic, misogynistic people that might have been friends if I had known how to navigate. Please tell us how you land with this- how does one navigate that? I just booked an old hotel in Sintra for Christmas and am starting to really get excited to be there. If I ever land permanently, I will be looking for your Bauhaus shirt (or your no regrets Piaf shirt, or your saudade shirt). Thanks for all your words.
Excited for you to be in Portugal. Also, do you know how many bonus points you get for noticing the Bauhaus tee? SO MANY!
I love the idea of seeing regret as evolution rather than failure.
I just totally LOVE what you shared. Probably because I've had similar thoughts/questions/wonderings.
What a great read. Thank you. Reading your blog helps me feel "not so alone" in my particular journey in this post move-to-Portugal transition. Please keep them coming.
Thanks, Tancha. Writing helps me feel not so alone, too. I'm glad it's working. :)
I miss your voice and thoughts so much. Your words always speak to me in such a way and I am so grateful. Missing you from Oakland and sending all my love. ❤️
Thanks, my friend. I miss you, too!
I wish to issue a mea culpa to my comment below (of yesterday). I admit that I read LaDonna's thoughts a bit too hastily and, rereading it now, I realize that I got some of it wrong. LaDonna has written herself: "So being the immigrant who doesn’t speak the language (well) and doesn’t know the culture (yet) is forcing me to take another look at the stories I tell myself about myself."
I too moved from North America to Europe (decades ago, from Toronto to Paris) and spent years marveling, wondering, scratching my head, observing and, oftentimes, not understanding a thing. All while learning a new language. I have to hand it to anyone who moves to Portugal: wow, that's one difficult language to learn! French was so much easier!
One is more aware of history and tradition in Europe than in North America. At its roots, Portugal is a deeply traditional Catholic country: church and family rule. Two years ago, I visited a beautiful cemetery in Porto and was touched by the number of family members visiting: children watering the flower pots of their departed parents and widows sweeping and cleaning the headstones of their deceased husbands. The place was a hive of activity and symbolized to me the strong family links that live on even after death.
It's called the Cemetery of Prado do Repouso, and Porto is an absolute must-visit, I can't wait to go back there.
Why am I mentioning this? Because moving to another country is entering a completely different culture and, in the beginning at least, I believe it behooves us to just keenly observe and try to understand which is precisely what LaDonna articulated in her beautifully written essay. Incidentally, I had to google "Enneagram 4s", didn't have a clue what that was!
Thank you for your words, Juliet. Mea culpas are rare. I appreciate you taking the time to re-read and to share your thoughts. All the best to you!
You are in my mind and so on the same wave length right now. Thanks for capturing the words and sentiments that swirl around in my head early in the morning each day. We've been in Portugal about the same time as you. While our situations are wildly different they are in so many aspects so similar. Thanks for sharing your thoughts so eloquently.
Your writing is beautiful and thought provoking. Thankyou ! Now get up and pee;)
Thank you Ladonna. I laugh, I cry, but I mostly enjoy your
giving of friendship.
- Mark
You are such a talented writer. Thank you for sharing. I have a lot to think about.
had to look up hale! good one. Love you and yours. Consider us friends please.
Powerful.